Dear Amy: I come from a very judgmental family, and I’m wondering how to break the awful habits I learned.
Growing up, we’d often be driving home from family events and my parents would badmouth the relatives we had just seen. This affected me, even if their criticism was sometimes justified.
As adults, my boyfriend and I have not been spared, either. The day after get-togethers, my mom will often tell me things I said or did “wrong.”
My parents have no reservations about picking apart every little thing my boyfriend does.
Not only is it annoying, but I find myself doing the same thing now to other people, and I hate it! It’s not a good way to live. It also makes me wonder what others are saying about me behind my back.
Do you have any advice on how to break the cycle? And how can I politely shut them down the next time they do it?
— Judged and Judging
Dear Judged: You know the admonition, “Judge not, lest you be judged…” and now you are experiencing the reality of this wisdom. Harsh judgment and malicious gossip are insidious and destructive to relationships.
The way to break a lifetime habit is by mindfully addressing your habit, one incident at a time. You can do this by giving yourself a visual/sensory reminder (put a rubber band on your wrist and give yourself a little “ping” every time you find yourself engaged in unfair and judgmental thinking). Every time you resist this terrible habit, you should recognize your tiny triumph and mentally give yourself credit: “Today, I resisted my habit of harshly judging and gossiping five times. I’m getting better at this.”
If your folks pick apart you and your boyfriend after every single encounter, the rational conclusion for you to draw would be, “My parents don’t enjoy our company. Therefore, we won’t expose them to the source of their displeasure so often.”
You may be able to retrain those around you, over time, by hitting “pause” every time the dynamic shifts toward judgmental. You say, “Well, this conversation seems to have taken a turn, so I’m going to hop off. I’ll talk to you later.”
Dear Amy: I am worried about a friend.
My friend, “Stacy,” who is 22, is seeing a 31-year-old drug user.
Stacy has had a track record with abusive relationships, most of which she finds online, and it is so hard to stand on the sidelines and watch her do this to herself time and time again.
Our friends try to give her advice and she takes it in the moment, recognizing the severity of the situation, and yet she always returns to the guy.
What should we do? Is this something she has to learn on her own?
I’m nervous that this option could land her in a very dangerous situation. — Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned: It can be heartbreaking to watch someone you care about repeatedly disappear into abusive or dangerous situations.
“Stacy” will need to understand and recognize that she is worthy of a healthy relationship. She is lucky to have you and other friends who care about her and are concerned about her welfare.
Keep at it. People in abusive relationships often lose their supportive friendships because, frankly, it can simply be too frustrating and depleting to witness the toxic cycle play out.
I hope you won’t give up on Stacy. Continue to be honest with her regarding your own feelings: “It is so hard to watch you go through this. I want you to know that I am always here for you, even when I don’t really know how to help.”
Stacy would benefit from professional counseling in order to recognize and change the patterns in her own behavior.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has helpful advice on how to talk to loved ones about abusive situations. In short: Listen, be supportive, be nonjudgmental, recognize that you cannot rescue them, and keep the connection open.
Dear Amy: “Looking to Unload” asked about safely getting rid of his gun collection. I was disappointed that you suggested a gun buyback program. Older people sometimes possess valuable or historic weapons and don’t realize it. He could consign his collection with a reputable dealer, receive a fair price for his weapons, and be assured that they wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands.
— Collector
Dear Collector: Thank you for the recommendation. This man had acquired his collection, presumably through dealers, and I assumed he knew about this option.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
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